It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.