It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”