It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
All excellent questions
sir, my pâté if you please
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup