It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
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As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I hope it’s French Onion!
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
それは草
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.