It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
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I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Honey I made you some hotdog water
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
