It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
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Webb. James Webb.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)