Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder

*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

[therapy]

WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter

ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

[interrogation room]

me: tell us

criminal: he’ll kill me if i do

me: you’re making my partner very angry

my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]

criminal: i-

me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.