It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops