It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
You Might Also Like
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
Put a ring on it
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes