Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches a movie with you*

*loudly beeps during all the good parts*

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.

HOW DARE YOU

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!

– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring

The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

If feeling embarrassment at past actions means you’ve “grown as a person,” then I grow as a person about every 5 minutes

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

eating my hot dog hamburger style

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.