Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

ㅤ

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.

We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*

*buys all the lottery tickets*

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.

i don’t understand the parking brake in my car, like when does my car need to be “more” parked than it is

Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

Support your local cemetery

Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching