It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
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Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!