Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG

Yup….perfect score!

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

dream blunt rotation

“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

What if all the cashiers are married?

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”