It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
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a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.