It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.

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Dogs are straight up disrespectful the way they yawn in your face when you’re petting them. I’m petting you, is this not enough for you?


Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]


I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.


Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.


AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something


Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.


*hostage situation*

Our FIRST demand: we want more bullets because we ran out… NO DON’T COME IN HERE


[blind date]

HER: I’m a first-grade teacher.

ME (trying to impress her): *pees in pants*