“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
-guys who work in a crematorium
It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.
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When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.
Expect a 20 minute rant.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.
Jesus: Thank you, father.
God: There shall be a bunny.
God: And chocolate eggs.
God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”