@TheMichaelRock

It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.

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@QwertyJones3

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

@Mechaniz10

When explaining to your mother how to work the volume on her phone, “there’s only 3 buttons” is apparently the wrong answer.

Expect a 20 minute rant.

@zebrasyndicate

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

@MikeDrucker

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

@UnFitz

God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.

Jesus: Thank you, father.

God: There shall be a bunny.

Jesus:

God: And chocolate eggs.

Jesus: But-

God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.

@cybersoybean

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

@AndrewChamings

inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no

@DrakeGatsby

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

@LuckoftheDraw86

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”