It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
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me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
then why did i get this email
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Current mood: Potato