It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
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I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.