It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
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The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon