It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
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Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!