Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

THERAPIST: what’s wrong?

WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!

ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking