It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
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I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.