Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.

I think the cat got the dog high.

#oldknees

If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.

It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

Good point.

If only.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

My 13 yro daughter just asked

What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”