Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

[job interview]

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.