It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
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My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.