[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
May never get over this
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here