@SheBanggs

It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.

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@shutupmikeginn

Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%

@primawesome

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

@Izianikapani

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

@VeryRudeTweets

I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.

@GoldenSpirals

Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”

I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.

@vvolfsz

The nominees are

Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio
Leonardo DiCaprio

And the winner is

*opens envelope*

mad max fury road

@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now

@behindyourback

Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.