After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.
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[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Pigs eating pork is called hammibalism.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Netflix should have a category called
“easy to follow while looking at my
phone the whole time”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Arm wrestling your spouse for the last donut is not foreplay, I know this now.