Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day

UPS GUY: Just sign for the package

[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

Spotted in New Orleans.

When I can’t barge, I careen.

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.

That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.

Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..

But never lemons.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.

My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”