It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.