It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.