It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
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A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
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Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
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Real House Wines.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors