it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
“i am a sweet baby”
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Howl 😭
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
