It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…