It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.