Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.

It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.

Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist

Doctor: That’s me

Me: but you’re an adult

Doctor: and a child psychologist

Me: how

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.