Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

[job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.

Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

What the hell happened here.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there