it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*