it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
awkward
this is the news I live for
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines