it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
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A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.