Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.

It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can