Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

Those are good neighbors.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon

British people

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.