it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books