It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
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Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.