“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier