“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
You Might Also Like
Do one person every day that scares you.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Just a bush.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
What the dentist sees
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.