Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.

There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

waiter: bread for the table?

me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking

Well lets see. . . .2020: Didn’t jog. . . . .2021: Didn’t jog. . . . .2022: Didn’t jog. . . . .2023: Didn’t jog. . . . .2024: Haven’t jogged ~ This is kind of a running joke with me.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

The most accurate map ever devised.

How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.