“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Yes
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”