It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
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None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
In case you needed to hear it:
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up