It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
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The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Good morning
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
584.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.