Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home

no their not

Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear

Don’t frighten the programmers!

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

A friend sent me this.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

The cashier just checked me out.

This was my dad’s browser history.

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

October already? What’s next? November????

Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.

5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?