Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

centaur: I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.

People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie

“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.