Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!

Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

sounds kinky. i’m in.

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.

MY CAT: me-ow

FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.