Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”

——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!

I’ve been doing life all wrong.

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”

What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?

Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.