It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
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My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
somebody come look at this
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.