It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
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I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
There’s only one good girl here!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Finally
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.