It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
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Thrilling chase underway
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I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
this post was so formative to me
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Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
How can I say no to this ?
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.