The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
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On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Best spot.. 😅
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
(Gaming support cat.)
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
*pronounces patio like ratio
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*