It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.