It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
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What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
The first matador
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
We found love in a hopeless place.
I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.