It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
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English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Either there are two cops in my fridge or I’ve accidentally opened the front door again
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.