Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭

What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

Your honor my client doesn’t like jail

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

[watching TV on couch]

Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.

Her: …

Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?

Her: …

Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?

Pile of blankets: …

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck