It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
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I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.![]()
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.