It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
You Might Also Like
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.