Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Effort made

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

Downside: the pandemic rages on.

Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.

Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.

Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.

Me: I did not.

Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.

Me: I’m not feeding you.

Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.

– a Memoir

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”

Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Love is in the air fryer.