It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
How it started How it’s going
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me