It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
One venti cheeseburger please.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
What my back needs
🤔😂😂
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.