It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
“i miss shittin on people”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!