Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

I just found a little piece of waffle in my pocket in the event you’re attracted to mysterious men

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.

I don’t know why. They made pretty good music.

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

Today in my classroom

Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it