Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there

Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.

I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.

Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do

☠️

[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘impossible’

“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”

*walks off stage*

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

[first mma fight]

me: Pikachu I choose you!

Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle

me: *throws rat taped to a taser*

Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.

The internet is full of many things

I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z