It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Mad Max Arctic Road
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I wore scrubs to Target and a woman asked me if her eye looked infected so I did what any doctor’s office would do. I asked her when her last period was and then I weighed her
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
