It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
wait a minute….
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
