It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
