It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
