it’s either covid or clever vampires
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NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.