Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Canada they just call them geese

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

Nonmaterial gift ideas:

An experience
A home cooked meal
Offer to destroy one of their enemies
Clean their house

I found your tweet-up…

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

How to wake up a Beagle

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.

HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof

If you had more money you’d be happier.

a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.

“Good luck tomorrow.”

* Me confusing a random stranger *

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman