it’s either covid or clever vampires
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No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.