it’s either covid or clever vampires
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Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
A decision was made here.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.