It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
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Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I think about this cartoon a lot.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
How to wake up a Beagle
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green