It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
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Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary